I've Figured it Out.

I'm not cool. That's the answer to all the shit thrown at me. All these years I was wrong about my social status; I thought I was on par with the crowds. Today, from a link at Scott's blog, I discovered that I was wrong.




Maybe I can get things done now that I know my place in life.

How am I not cool? I'm one of the coolest fuckers on the planet! I'm not racist or sexist or homophobic, I don't get in to science fiction, I'd rather play pro golf than any of those other jobs, how am I not cool?

Oh, God. This is the beginning of my demise. It's all over now...

Brain Food and Drink

Daily Drink Helps Keep Brain Sharp, Data Suggest (washingtonpost.com)

While I'm not very productive today, I thought I'd catch up on my blogging. I found this article very interesting, since I like to drink moderately. This only supports my theory that daily doses of alcohol are actually good for a person. I'm not saying that it's okay to drink constantly, but one or two a day should not be harmful.

Beer is probably not the best choice for daily use, due to its abdominal-expanding effects. I would choose something like vodka or brandy. Now we know why the wealthy in the movies always have that carafe of favorite drink on the credenza and pour a glass when they get home.

Also, I've heard for many years that tuna is "brain food." If this is so, I encourage the consumption of tuna and related fish for further brain development (the world could use a few more smart people.) The mercury content in the tuna has adverse effects, though, so maybe you should limit your tuna to twice a week.

I'm rambling. Sorry.

Today I feel...

Drowsy. Tired. Frustrated. I work for a person who has a lot of education, but has a severe lack of management skills. My "manager" wanted something three weeks ago, and I got it to her. It wasn't exactly on time, due to other problems in the office and the organization, but it got done in the shortest amount of time possible.

This project was stemmed off of another I was working on and was closely related. I was asked to replicate the process using only one different variable, which I promptly did. This took some time getting data, but I got it done, had it verified by a coworker, and sent it to my "manager". Two weeks later (last week), my "manager" sent the document back to me (via someone else) and noted a problem with it. I took it straight to her and told her that there was no problem; I just shouldn't have included that one piece of information; it wasn't relevant.

So she made up some case where it would be relevant and wanted the right answer by the end of the day. I was a big pushover and told her I'd try. I'm a good sport. For this one small change, I'd have to get more data with which I'm not familiar and use it blindly.

It took two people to decide which data was best (they've been here longer, so they should know). After thirty minutes, one of them found a nearly-two-year-old file on a CD somewhere, and said "...that should be it." Two hours later, it was time to go, and there were problems with the whole thing. This wasn't going to get done that day (Friday). My "manager" notified me and the guy helping that she couldn't wait around for us to finish, but she'd be in through the weekend and to leave it in her inbox. Two hours after that, we sent a "give up for now" letter along with the evidence of the (lack of) progress. We would have to start again the next week with other data.

Keep in mind that I wasn't given a date that she needed this stuff, or who else to talk to about it, or exactly the purpose of the analysis. I was not empowered to even make assumptions, because I didn't have the context of the project. I call myself "Internal Third-Party."

So we started late yesterday on getting new data from a more reliable source, and started over. Apparently, my "manager" needed this data on that day, and wasn't in the office. We looked very closely at this new data today and deemed it fit. I completed the analysis, took it to my "manager" and got a "...and you were aware that I needed this last week?"

"Yes," I replied, but I didn't tell her that she held the "wrong" shit for two weeks, when I could have got the whole thing sorted for her well before she "needed" it.

This is horrible. I hate that "manager." She's probably a good person, but she's a (what's the opposite of fantastic?) communicator. I know she expects a lot from me, but I don't see that as a burden until she makes me look like an asshole. Then it's a lot. I would love to do my work and have immediate responses to it so I can be a better analyst. I'd love a job where I can be creative and feel free to ask questions without getting shot down.

I see that this has become my outlet. I didn't want it that way, but you're reading, aren't you? I recently thought about writing on technology here, but I haven't had the time to read anything interesting. I promise I'll get 'round to it. After I read all those books, buy a house, get a baby, and settle down a bit. Then I'll keep you more informed.

Prayer in Schools

Scott had an interesting post yesterday and it got me thinking about prayer in schools. It hasn't been in the news lately, but I just got off on a rant and thought I'd write a bit.

Prayer in schools: Ban? No. That's disrespectful. You shouldn't be punished for practicing your religion. If that's the case, no prayer anywhere is the answer. Mandate prayer? No. No one would do that in a public institution in this country. Allow prayer? I say yes, but don't limit the allowance to Christians. If I want to pray to my left pinkie finger, I should be allowed to so long as it doesn't interfere with my lessons at school.

I thought I had more to say, but I lost it. "O left pinkie finger, grant me the words...."

Legos and Wonka

My four-year-old nephew is over this week at my mother's place. What a kid. We ate dinner last night and played with Legos for close to an hour. I helped him build a house and some farm animals that were in the accompanying Lego book. He had a little trouble with the sheep, but made a mean-looking cow. I was inspired by this moment; maybe I'll really be okay having my own child after this little preview. I enjoyed being a kid again, and relished in the fact that I could still remember the thoughts that passed through my brain when I was 4. I remember what was really important, what hurt, and what was scary.

We can't treat kids as if they were grown-ups with a calloused view at the trifles we are faced with. When you're four, there aren't any trifles. Everything's new, and it's a big deal. Hell, even maintaining a certain level of concentration is a feat. It was pretty hard to keep my nephew interested in the whole Lego thing, but we made it. So we sat there, I in my shorts and sweatshirt, legs spread about the floor, and he in his Spider-Man pajamas, doing what I always loved to do. He was amazed as I was at his age at a grown-up making things that looked just as they did in the pictures. I remember that being hard, and I lost interest, too. I miss being a child; maybe I'll get my chance to live it again vicariously through my son or daughter.

After Legos, I went home and watched "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" and wondered why I enjoyed it so much.

On Reading

I've finally come to my senses and updated the in-progress book list (see "What I'm Reading" in the sidebar.) It's disgusting. Should one read that much, or be able to keep up with that many texts?

It's not that I read too much. It's my inability to finish a book. I've been trying for seven months now to finish the Harry Potter books (I'm done with #2.) I read a little every night, but it's becoming overwhelming.

If I could just pick one...

On Writing

I had a college English professor who told us to just start writing if we couldn't think of what to say. "You know what to write if you don't know what to write?," he would ask, "Write 'I don't know what to write about.'" So, here goes:

I honestly don't know what to write about these days. I stay so busy at work, and can't connect to the Internet from home, so I lazily ignore this blog. To my readers, I apologize. I don't have time to talk about politics or leadership, or what I had for breakfast yesterday. I could write about programming and the common problems I have, but my current readers might not be too interested or able to provide insight.

I could talk about how I want a different job, which requires certification and experience that I don't have. I could talk about what I would rather be doing with my life at present, but that would be futile and boring. I hate to bore you.

So I'm writing this, mostly to let you know I'm still here, but might not be posting too often about large issues unless I feel strongly about them.

Full Potential, or Not?

I didn't do well in high school. I failed Algebra II my Junior year. I started working at the local auto parts store just before tenth grade, and I didn't make too much time for school. The teachers weren't interested in me, nor I in them. Sure, there were the few who stuck out. My coin collecting is a result of my fourth-grade teacher, and my painting skill I owe to my high-school art instructor. The light on the rest seems to fade when it comes to their accomplishments in my life.

So I sold auto parts and didn't care too much for school. No one was there to tell me what I could do or should do; I don't think I was expected to go to college or actually be anybody. So I joined the Army to get something started.

Sometime in my second year of service, it hit me. The Army had taught me something: I should have gone to college. I'm actually smarter than I thought I was after high school. I kept telling myself that I'd made the wrong choice, that I should have never signed that contract.

I tried to attend a local for-profit college, but my military agenda conflicted and overruled that of my educational one. When I finally got out, I immediately enrolled in another private college of a bit higher standing.

I finished an Associate of Information Technology (Honors) at Colorado Tech earlier this year, and got a job in Florida. I'm beginning to think I made the wrong choice again, as I thought in the military. I want to think I would be better off having stayed where I was and finishing a Computer Science or Engineering degree. I saw in the latest IEEE magazine that their president is now a professor at the Computer Science department at CU-Boulder. I'm sure I could have gone there. In fact, I think I could attend and succeed at MIT. But could I even think about applying? If accepted, would it be a possibility to attend? I'm 26, not 18. I've got a child on the way. A family to support.

What I'm really trying to get at is why I'm 26 and not finished with college, and why I'm not where I feel that I'm operating at my full potential.
I'm constantly in the process of reading five or more books at any given time. I want to know everything. I like to listen to and play music. I want to be a good father. I love computing, but I don't make enough time for it. I want to be more knowledgeable about politics and law so I can be an informed and involved citizen. I want to contribute to my community, but I don't have the time.

Or is this my full potential? Never. I am better than this. Given the opportunity, I will do so much more. In the words of John Mayer, "I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for."

Home is...Where?

There's a Schlotsky's sub shop up in north Colorado Springs on Hwy. 83. Beth and I visited there a few times to have lunch together. It's near the only McDonald's I know of that has wireless public Internet access.
I wanted to go there today. Things like these still come to me automatically. Just when I thought of lunch, that Schlotsky's across from the Phil Long Suzuki popped into my mind, and I wanted to meet my wife for a sandwich.
I miss so much of what I know. Change is tough.

The Dog's Tub Fart

One would imagine that a dog doesn't spend too much time in the tub. Given this small opportunity, my dog Ashton took advantage of it.
He got a few fleas recently from the woods around our place, so we were letting him soak in a tub of slightly-chlorinated water to try to kill them. Once Ashton got relaxed, he promptly farted in the tub. Just like I would do. My wife was there; we all had a family moment. It wasn't a big explosion, just a steady trail of bubbles from the rear for a solid four or five seconds. He was just like a child, though: oblivious to it.

Have a good day, people.

Bush Did Something Good

Bush Signs Internet Access Tax Ban (washingtonpost.com)

He signed the ban on Internet service taxation. There. I said it. Don't expect me to point out everything he does. This benefits me.

Finally, My Column on Leadership

This will be somewhat half-hearted, because I'm not as driven as I was when I said I'd do this. I should actually wait until I'm fired up about it again, but you guys are begging for my views on leadership.
So..
Leadership and all parts of it are key to an organization's success. I use the word organization because it applies not only to corporations, but government entities, religious groups, sports teams, and even AOL. I served in the military and saw my share of good and bad leaders, I went to school and learned a bit about corporations and how leadership and communication work together. I now work for a state government entity and see worse leadership than I saw in the Army. Surprised? I'm not.
The structure of this column should be as follows: What is Leadership? | Leadership in State Government | Leadership in the Army | Leadership at NFC | Conclusion (maybe)

What is Leadership?
This is a question not easily answered. Leadership is a property, or attribute, of a person. This property gives the person an advantage in making decisions and influencing people. Correctly applied leadership also implies a high ethical standard about that person. That's about as vague as I can get. It's a quality about a person that grants the ability to lead effectively.

Leadership in State Government
My supervisor is a woman who possesses few leadership skills. She is somewhat of a trained leader, but doesn't apply the necessary amount of communication to the office's diet of bullshit. She kicked someone out last week because he "didn't help out." Problem is, he wasn't asked to. He didn't work for us, he just occupied a cubicle here. Our department didn't pay him; this was just where he worked. When he didn't have anything going on, he had said he'd help out if she needed some help. Nothing was requested of him, so he didn't do anything. She claimed he was a distraction to the office and he finally left this week.
Anyway, back to my communication thing. That's important in a leader- the ability to communicate. Among the other skills are reading people, knowing what to say, knowing when you're wrong, and knowing who to ask when you admit that you don't know something.
Oh, yeah, back on State Government... I have never worked in a more inefficient place. I go to meetings in which plans are made and nothing happens. No decisions are made, and not a single person knows what is going on. Therefore, it takes months and months to do very simple changes. That has a lot to do with working in government, but it shouldn't take that long to get something done internally.
A lot of people here (Dept. of Education) are former teachers, and somehow they've forgotten where they came from and who they're here to help. Many decisions are politically based, and they seem to have forgotten that we work to better the children in this state and make it easier to teach and measure performance.
Maybe I should wait a while to comment further about my workplace. I haven't been here for that long, so I'll wait until I've decided whether I can make a difference here.

Leadership in the Army
Noncommissioned officers are supposedly the backbone of the Army. Most of the leadership training they get is provided by the Army itself, and I don't remember being under the influence of many good NCOs. Promotion to the noncommissioned ranks was only a few steps away for me, but it was time to get out. I had better things to do.
Commissioned officers, however, are college-educated (or have at least some college) and are supposed to be self-sufficient and good leaders. I believe I saw more commissioned officers as good leaders than NCOs, but I attribute that to the officer's discipline gained at West Point (or dragging himself to college and ROTC or OCS). That made him actually want to be there. Maybe I'm getting off the subject. No I'm not. Leadership in the Army was only better than the leadership in my current agency for two reasons: Soldiers actually go through leadership training, and those methods of management used in the military are time-proven.
The people here at work didn't go to school for management; they have degrees in education. They learned the educational system and how to teach children (from what I know about the college of education, which could be nothing). Some of them (most of them) just can't lead.

Leadership at NFC
NFC is the computer consulting company I own. No it isn't. But it will be. This is how I envision my organization:
I will lead the company with people I trust personally and professionally (there is a difference.) My primary goal inside the organization is to have people unlike I was in my teenage years working at an auto parts store: I didn’t care about the company because the company didn’t care about me. Their internal and external goals were the same: profits. And it showed.
I will care about my subordinates and not announce the vacation with my family to our house in Aspen while they work. I will try to remember everyone’s name (it won’t be a large corporation) and I will help even the lowest-level position get his or her job done. I will pay for their education if I can. I will be the one to call about anything. The people I work with will be the same person. It will feel good to work with me.
I will always listen to any idea about how to make the workplace better and more comfortable so that my employees can work efficiently without the distraction of something ludicrous as a strict dress code. I wore jeans to work today and felt like I was free to think – and I got work done like no other day I’ve had there yet. I once saw a show about an engineering firm filled with very creative people. Quite a few of them rode bicycles to work but had nowhere to put them. Someone got the idea to string his bike up to the rafters and hoist it high above his desk. I think that was a great idea. Some people followed this method, and no one approached the management about it. The engineers were free to do as they please and be as creative as they were capable of. I encourage this as well.
The education of my employees will be paramount at NFC (which, by the way, stands for “No Fucking Clue”. I didn’t have any idea what to call the company, so that was it.) The importance of education will be another topic later.

If I’m not getting anywhere with this according to you, here’s a list of a few things about the leaders at NFC:

• They teach their subordinates


• They treat subordinates with respect and form bonds with them


• They know the job and more


• They set a good example for others


• They know how to listen and read people so they understand questions and provide accurate answers


• They earn their trust

Okay, people. Let’s act like I actually own NFC and you’re my employees. I need help from you on the company website. Go to the NFC website and use the link to my e-mail to send me your suggestions.

One-Armed Superstar in the Deep South

I had surgery on my left shoulder for the second time Friday. I thought I would take a long weekend and recoup while catching up on my reading, but I didn't count on the Vicodin arresting my conscience. No reading for me (no thinking, either).
So now I'm back at work, feeling like I'm having withdrawals from the narcotics, but I probably just slept too much.
I picked up that silly bitch's book in the store the other day and discovered I wasn't prepared to part with $26 to read it. I'm waiting for a used copy to pop up somewhere for $10. Let me know if you see any.

Speaking of Being Behind...

Andy mentioned this blog on his site two days ago and I didn't know about it until this morning. That's what you get when you move to south Georgia - no Internet access. Oh, well.
I'm behind on my reading, also. If you'll take a look at the "What I'm Reading" section, you'll notice I'm working on several books. There's plenty more to read, too.
This is all just filler. Sorry there's nothing important, but I'm trying to stay on top of my blogging. I should have a column on leadership before long. Until then...

Forming a Balanced Opinion

I've been considering the purchase of Ann Coulter's book, "How to Talk to a Liberal (if you must): The World According to Ann Coulter", but I'm not so sure I'd finish it.

Or maybe I'd become so patriotic and gay/French bashing, I'd turn to the extreme Right and forget about anyone but the Christians. Maybe if I read it, I can get her to blow me.

It's all because I want a balanced diet of opinions, a healthy start to forming my own. So far, I like what Al Franken thinks, but his story just might be a spin also (but he makes it sound good). Maybe I'll get it and document my journey through her book. That'll be fun.

On another note, I have found a book worth reading. I sat and read a fifth of it last night: Angels & Demons by Dan Brown. So far, it's great. It doesn't start with a dull, quiet beginning (like the Dean Koontz I've read so far), but with interesting facts and happenings. I encourage you to pick it up in hardcover, but the paperback edition probably says the same thing. Very much worth reading so far (if you haven't already; I'm way behind.)

So Much for Fresh Coffee

I should have gone ahead and gotten the Black & Decker Home Cafe. I think it was worth the money after all. I don't make coffee anymore because I only have time for one cup, but in order to get that one cup, I have to make a half a pot.
Don't believe yourself when you think you'll make the time for something so you can settle for less. Go for what you want and get it; don't let your wife say it's too much. If it is indeed too much, wait it out and get the right one. Apply my wisdom to anything, people. Get what you want.

Just Today

I found an Internet connection today; I usually don't on the weekends.

I shouldn't be so negative about work as I have been lately. When I got the job, I was excited solely because I was sure I would be traveling. However, I've spent the last two weeks away from home and it is getting old. There will be no more traveling until next year, and I'm glad.

So I'll try to take a neutral stance to my work from now on. I'm improving for you, people. Be proud of me.

I haven't gathered my thoughts since the election; I wasn't actually expecting Bush to win (by such a margin, anyway), so I didn't have much to say.

I still don't.

I was never too critical of any president - he was elected by the people, wasn't he? I only became critical of President Bush around election time, as probably did everyone else. I wasn't watching the other three years and six months.

I did watch the war some, though, having been in the Army and all. I helped my old unit onto an airplane as they left for Iraq early one cool summer morning in Colorado. I knew that I wouldn't have wanted to go, but I would have if I were still with them.

Save the "Well, you should have stayed in with your fellow soldiers..." talk. You should have served yourself. I joined the Army to better my life and I did. I then went to school to educate myself and succeeded. Why don't you try being a 24-year-old freshman? If you've never served in the military, try giving the whole of four years of your own life to military service, then being way behind the curve in your secondary education, while tending to a young marriage and supporting a child. Oh, and you have to make it look easy.

Anyway, I would have done as I was told if I was in the Army at the time they deployed. I wouldn't have liked it I'm certain, and I probably would have sent my absentee ballot this year from Iraq in favor of Kerry, simply because I was there for reasons only known to George W. Bush and those around him.

I only knew that the President was not favored by many for several reasons, but then again, so was Bill Clinton. But I also knew that some people supported the President for the things he did get right, and that's what I should have focused on.

I know now that I should take my own perspective of our leaders and not listen to my friends or news sources, no matter their political direction. I should form my own opinion of the President and his cabinet (especially that asshole Rumsfeld). I'll try to be better in the next four years.

Bush won.

You know, I could have afforded to vote for Bush, but I didn't buy quite enough Microsoft in 1981. I was (until last night) beginning to think I could get a different job in the technology sector, but not now. I guess I'm stuck in government for four years (at least) until the US is good enough for tech firms to operate here.

I have continued drinking since the meeting today was over. Let's not make the next four miserable years miserable; let's plan Scott's presidential track and make it happen. Send me a bumper sticker already!

So much for that theory about high voter turnout leaning left. Why did you people complain so much about one man and then vote him in again?

At least I already have a job. I hate it for every college student now.

I hope there is a chance that the president was only a muppet for the first term, and everyone to benefit from it got what they wanted. I hope now that he will be a leader as he says he will, except for the Christian conservative in him. I sincerely hope that we get more jobs in the U.S. and we can feel more secure in the coming years. I hope that the killing and senseless dying will cease around the world, whether Bush has anything to do with it or not.

I wish for the leaders of this country to come together without partisanship and make a difference in our lives, which is what I tried to do with my vote yesterday. I wish the best for this country, as I do with all other nations on Earth, and all walks of life in this time of our existence.

We should all take a million steps away and look at the world as a whole. That way we won't see just the blue and red on the 50 states, we'll see that the whole world is brown, green, and blue. We all live on the same planet, which is getting smaller and smaller every year. We will soon have to deal with global issues daily, not just issues which concern our country or our continent.

Let's hope that George W. Bush can play fair in this small playground. Let him not throw sand in the other kids' eyes or show off on the monkey bars. Osama bin Laden may get expelled, but if the rest of us hold hands and stick together, this small dot in time's line won't be so bad for the human race. Besides, what are we put on Earth to do anyway?

Election Night

So it's the night of the election, and I'm stuck in Orlando by the State of Florida. At least I have Internet access. At the time of writing, MSNBC has Bush with 207 votes and Kerry with 206. However, CBS has Bush at 246 and Kerry at 207. Who knows?

I'm going to continue getting drunk so I can go to bed and find out who's president tomorrow.

Or in Five weeks.

Or on January 20.

But we got our sheriff, and our sales tax went up, and I can only marry a woman in Georgia. Talk to you (who?) tomorrow.

What the hell does Cuba have to do with it?

On the way to work this morning, NPR was talking about the last minute stuff and playing clips of highlights in the candidates' speeches this weekend. Out of Bush's mouth comes something like "...and we're going to bring that freedom to Cuba...."

What the hell?

Okay, here goes - we get attacked on 11SEP2001 and we cry and yell and watch the news and worry about people and wonder what is going to happen - are they going to find Osama?

And then Iraq comes on television from left field for no reason. I can't remember anything that happened there; it was just on TV one day.

So we go to Iraq, and people die and America is upset and it isn't justified for a lot of people. On top of that, the Bush administration and his followers tell America and the world that it's to help, or liberate, Iraq. So our attention is diverted from something horrible to something else horrible. Where's Osama?

And Bush turns his attention to Cuba? Christ, I thought we weren't going to fight this war on our land. I could probably swim there from south Florida. Why would we want to "help" Cuba when we're still sore from the sixties and we don't even trade with them?

I bet if this doesn't work, he'll just fuck an intern.